19  Affectionate Relationships

This chapter looks at various kinds of affectionate relationships. Traditionally, marriage is the type of relationship most people imagine when they think of religion. It is true that marriage is the foundation of affectionate relationships, but marriage is not the only kind. Marriage does not magically happen in a vacuum. There are affectionate relationships before marriage, some people choose never to marry, and then there are situations where these affections end.

Marriage will be the foundation for this chapter. When we understand its purpose, we can consider how affectionate relationships are a deep reflection of our beliefs, regular spiritual practices, and our unique constellation of values. They are shaped by our fidelity to the rights of all souls, and the rights and responsibilities we attain after maturity, whether privately or socially.

Much of the marriage law is from the Persian and Arabic Bayán, with modifications within the Kitáb-i-Aqdas. The Bayán is integral to the understanding of Bahá’u’lláh’s marriage law. Symbolically, this is where I would say both Books find union, in the verses regarding the union of two people in wedlock.

19.1 Marriage

Marriage is enjoined upon us.1 Enjoined is also used in the counsel to pray. This means it is part of the divine Doctor’s prescription for us to be healthy. The Báb, when He described marriage being enjoined, reinforced the fact that it is a firm obligation.2 Bahá’u’lláh instructed monks to leave their seclusion so they may bear fruits and enter into wedlock.3 To a particular believer, Bahá’u’lláh said marriage is not permitted to be passed by as it is God’s tradition.4

19.1.1 Purpose of Marriage

From the second paragraph of the Marriage Prayer (I am unable to find the first), Bahá’u’lláh says marriage is a “fortress for well-being and salvation” and “that from you may appear he who will remember Me amongst My servants.”5 These are the fruits that both the Báb described as “a letter of their own being may remain to proclaim the unity of God.”

The Bayán had recommended that believers separate if either partner is unable to fulfill the obligation of having a baby. In the Súríy-i-Haykal, Bahá’u’lláh says, “But for man, who, on My earth, would remember Me, and how could My attributes and My names be revealed?” Yet, in the Kitáb-i-Badí‘, as Bahá’u’lláh was addressing Azalí Bayánís, He rebukes those who say a woman who is barren has no value. Bahá’u’lláh says those who make such claims have barren hearts, minds, eyes, and are deprived of the mercy of God. The implication is that every person has a right to create a child, with a responsibility to do so if they are able to. Still, every person maintains the right to love, kindness, and all the other rights if they are unable to create a child. Cruelty is forbidden.

What do you imagine when you hear the phrase a fortress for well-being and salvation? In my imagination, I like to relate the journey of an affectionate relationship and marriage to the journey of the soul to God the Beloved in Bahá’u’lláh’s “The Seven Valleys,” with the valley of unity being where a couple truly feels they are one. This unity helps provide emotional and spiritual stability through such methods as affection, trust, and loyalty. Each spouse is able and willing to shield the other, being the other’s fortress wall. As each acts in remembrance of the other, they can also reinforce a deeper remembrance of God. This unity helps each spouse develop their individual constellations of virtues, where they help complement, balance, and merge with their loved one’s constellation. These virtues are tested and refined, in good times and in bad. Finally, this fortress for salvation extends to the spouses’ fruit, their children, and to the community in which they live. For the child, it provides stability to nurture their noble birthright. For the community, it serves as a lamp leading by example. In both ways, the married couple ensures that God is remembered across generations.

Marriage, in this sense, is the very foundation of the constructive social life. Every mature person has a right to a fortress of well-being and salvation. No person has a responsibility to deny this right under any circumstances.

19.1.2 Who May Marry and How Many?

Everywhere Bahá’u’lláh describes marriage, He does define it within the male and female dynamic. BH03181 says “the Lord loves that His handmaidens be joined in marriage to His monotheistic servants.” In the Aqdas He says, “Beware that you do not exceed two wives. He who is content with one maid will ensure his own tranquility and hers as well.” These verses explicitly say marriage is between a man and a woman.

These verses also allow for two wives, (bigamy), with a promise of tranquility for a man who prefers monogamy. Baha’u’llah does not place such a limit on the number of husbands a woman may have. When looking at the divorce verses, such as in Kitáb-i-Aqdas #68, it raises the possibility that a woman could also have a second husband. If she takes another husband, a new union is required to restore the first marriage. Bahá’u’lláh does not specify that she must divorce the second husband, although traditionally religious institutions would not allow this.

I will explain this within the context of marriage being a form of contract law. The first marriage with husband #1 was under Contract #1. They decided to end Contract #1. Therefore, the woman enters into Contract #2 with husband #2. If ex-husband #1 wants to be married again to the woman, they must mutually agree to a new Contract #3. The Kitáb-i-Aqdas does not explicitly say Contract #2 must end. If you believe the laws and counsels are to be viewed symmetrically between gender, then the limit of two wives could be interpreted as a limit on two spouses, regardless of gender. If you believe these laws are asymmetrical based on gender, one must resolve whether the lack of a clear prohibition for women when such a prohibition for men exists equates to an allowance. I believe both are real possibilities, but in no text does Baha’u’llah explicitly say a woman can have only one husband. The divorce law leaves open this possibility, a possibility this book will treat as allowed.

Thus, every mature person has the right to marry, and if the law allows, the right to have up to two spouses. Yet this right is tempered by the responsibility to be content with one, for tranquility rests upon the foundation of simplicity and fidelity. The fortress of well-being may stand with two, but its walls are strongest when founded upon unity with one.

19.1.4 Virginity

Marriage is not dependent on virginity. In a traditional sense, this helps keep marriage as an option for divorcees, widows, and single parents. Outside of the traditional sense, this also helps prevent purity standards from being established. Bahá’u’lláh in His counsels does regularly refer to chastity.14 There is regular counsel towards women to be chaste when He says, “The greatest ornament for the handmaidens hath ever been and still is chastity and virtue. By God! The light of chastity illumines the horizons of the spiritual worlds and its fragrance reaches unto the Most Exalted Paradise.”15

While there is a right to purity and a right to be free from corruption, purity cannot be forced upon anyone. There cannot be any forms of oppression such as virginity inspections imposed upon women. With all of the teachings of Bahá’u’lláh, especially within the constellation of virtues, premarital sex would be strongly discouraged. This discouragement is not based solely on purity. Rather, it is to ensure the bonds of affection are not ruled by lust or other biological impulses of the body. The bonds of affection are to be ruled by spiritual considerations.

If one is solely attached to the concept of virginity, but overlooks other spiritual qualities, a marriage is going to have a difficult time. If a person has premarital sex, but later decides through spiritual practice to develop chastity, this person can be purified. All of the spiritual virtues have opportunities to shine more brightly and are never completely lost.

To demonstrate this idea, I want to show two examples. In one, Bahá’u’lláh references Fátimih al-Zahrá, the daughter of the Seal of the Prophets, Muḥammad. She was married to ’Alí ibn Abí Ṭálib and they had at least four children. They are known in Shí‘ih Islam as the Ahl al-Bayt, where the Imams were descended. Bahá’u’lláh says, “O Land of Ṣád, the Sun of Hijaz asks thee about His family, and the Virgin, the Chosen One, about her sons and daughter.”16 How is it that a mother is given the title Virgin? This demonstrates that virginity is not solely a physical attribute but a spiritual condition for one who acts purely for the sake of God.

In the second example, Bahá’u’lláh is discussing Mírzá Yaḥyá, the leader of the Bayání people who did not believe in Bahá’u’lláh. He says, “Every year he would summon a virgin from the outlying regions, […] veiled by the imaginary veils of these idolatrous temples whose reality is evident from their deeds.”17 In this example, the coveting of virgins is a form of idolatry, which is a veil between you and God.

19.1.5 The Marriage Contract

In the Bayán, once the consent verse is recited by both parties, they affix their seals (signatures) on a document. This is the marriage contract. The Báb requires witnesses representing both spouses, at least ten in total, to attest to dowry, consent, and signing the contract. The purpose of the witnesses is so that both spouses are protected, and neither can deny their marriage nor claim a fake marriage.18 This particularly protects the rights of women from coercion. The Houses of Justice are to ensure that marriage is conducted according to the divine law. Each couple can add anything to the contract that they feel is important.

One addition could be to state if the marriage is monogamous or polygamous. If it is monogamous, there is no possibility of future spouses within that marriage. If it is polygamous, consent would be a vital foundation. Both spouses and the newest spouse would all have to consent to this new union, along with the parents. If any person does not consent, the second marriage cannot be created. It is acceptable if the fortress is open to another, but never in such a way that the fortress imprisons one spouse. This ensures that each spouse retains the right to be free from coercion, with each bearing responsibility to honor the terms agreed upon.

The marriage contract becomes nullified if the dowry is not paid, if one does not return home from travel by an agreed upon time, and if one of the spouses passes away.

19.1.6 Divorce

This contract can be terminated through divorce. Divorce is an option if any discord or aversion arises between the two, and marriage can continue if there is reconciliation and the fragrance of love emanates between them.19 Divorce requires a one-year waiting period for an opportunity for reconciliation and love to be reestablished. Divorce is only allowed three times to the same person, which also means a person is only allowed to be married three times, even if you believe a fourth marriage is guaranteed to never end. During the waiting period, they are still considered legally married and the marriage contract is in effect.

19.1.7 Discord

Discord in a marriage is any kind of persistent conflict, hostility, aggression, a breach of trust, or even irreconcilable worldviews. If a marriage ever leads to the rights of one or both being violated regularly, it might be good to live separately. The responsibility to remain married should never infringe upon the rights to safety, love, kindness, and freedom from oppression. Individual goals that are not mutually beneficial could be a source of argument.

19.1.8 Aversion

Aversion can be fairly broad in scope. It could be as simple as disliking each other, such as a loss of affection where bonds of intimacy or respect are lost. Aversion could be apathy or other emotional alienation where marriage feels cold or forced. If closeness feels forced or requires a sense of degradation, there is aversion. Aversion could also be caused by a situation where each other’s constellation of virtues is no longer aligned, compatible, or changed so significantly that the spiritual bond is severed.

19.1.9 Adultery

Adultery is a breach of the marriage contract which is enforceable by Houses of Justice. For each man and woman who commits adultery, a fine must be paid of nine Bayanic mithqals of gold.20 For each offense, the fine is doubled from the prior offense. This goes from 9 to 18 to 36 to 72 and so on. Bahá’u’lláh also specifies a humiliating punishment for a third offense, which would be similar to the punishment for theft, where a mark is placed on the thief’s forehead. How the third punishment would take shape is up to the Houses of Justice. The purpose would be to let other people know someone is violating their marriage.

Adultery has also traditionally been treated as including all forms of extramarital sex, including people who are not married. One way I have personally considered this is within the scope of the age of maturity. What would happen if two people who are not mature or independent decide to have consensual sex? It would most likely be financially impossible for both of them to pay 9 Bayanic mithqals of gold. The reason I view adultery as being more about contract law is because of the seriousness of violating a contract. The Báb and Bahá’u’lláh repeatedly commanded people to honor their commitments, in both their personal and business lives, reflecting the virtues of trustworthiness and fidelity.

Reflection: How do you see marriage shaping your capacity for unity, trust, and fidelity?

To move outward from the marriage law, we can trace how affection forms and matures before a couple ever reaches wedlock.

19.2 Affectionate Relationships Leading to Marriage

With marriage being a fortress of well-being and salvation, we understand that it is a core institution of our social life. Marriage does not happen in a vacuum. It requires the ability to build the bonds of affection and to feel the fragrance of love. Even if these bonds are built, marriage may not be a goal a person has. While there is a traditional ideal, we should be mindful that Bahá’u’lláh says that “God loves unity and concord.”21 In seeking an ideal, we shouldn’t risk limiting the ways unity and concord can manifest themselves in everyday life.

19.2.1 Stage 1: Friendship

As discussed in Chapter 18, our first foundation is friendliness and fellowship22, even with the followers of other religions.23 We show friendliness through casual interactions, enjoyable shared experiences, and building connections based on mutual interests. Friendliness is characterized by warmth and kindness, not merely politeness. This starts from the moment we greet someone, such as by smiling and showing that they are welcome. In our interactions, we engage in light conversation and show genuine interest in their lives, such as who they are, what they do, and what they enjoy. We offer invitations to social activities and accept invitations when possible.

Friendship requires mutual effort. Every person you come across may not be a friend. Bahá’u’lláh warns us not to associate with the wicked, nor seek companionship with them.24 If someone comes up to you and does not start with a smile and a warm greeting, be cautious. If a stranger is focused on fulfilling immediate desires, they may not be a friend. Friendship is not a transaction.

If a relationship only remains a friendship, this friendship is still a vital component in the Cause of God. This is the foundation of all other affectionate relationships.

19.2.2 Stage 2: Fellowship

Fellowship is a type of relationship which grows from friendship. You take everything you have been doing with your friends and add in some components of commitment, support, sacrifice, and growth. Fellowship adds a strong spiritual component, where you might meet together for spiritual practice, the study of scripture, or acts of service. When there are difficult times, you are there offering encouragement and accountability. You are willing to help, even if it requires a level of self-sacrifice such as sharing time or resources. The conversation can be more challenging, where discussions promote spiritual growth and understanding. This type of challenge can help each other deepen in faith.

There are times where one person desires fellowship, but the other friend or friends may not share this desire. A person should make the effort to achieve fellowship if they desire it, but it should not be done in any oppressive way. If fellowship is not returned, be content in your friendship.

19.2.3 Stage 3: Spiritual Kinship

From fellowship can come a relationship I am calling spiritual kinship. The foundation of this relationship is a shared belief in Bahá’u’lláh and living in the same Day of God. Distant souls are drawn closer25 by walking one path together, drinking the same nectar, gazing towards the same horizon, and being secluded together in one abode. In spiritual kinship, believers feel as though they are parents, children, and siblings to each other even if this is untrue biologically and legally. This brings a new layer to the verse when the Kitáb-i-Aqdas says to show love and kindness to your kindred.26

The Hidden Words are, in my opinion, a pillar of spiritual kinship. Throughout the Arabic and Persian versions, Bahá’u’lláh enjoins us with a declaration, “O Son…” where each of us is both a Son of God, a Son of Bahá’u’lláh in His role as Father, and thus we are siblings of each other. For example, when the Arabic Hidden Word #38 says, “grieve not in your distance from us,” we can share in our grief as a single family who longs for nearness to God.

19.2.4 Stage 4: Courtship

Courtship takes what we have established in friendship, fellowship, and spiritual kinship and adds the fragrance of love. There is a sense of desire and longing to be near all the virtues the other person exemplifies. You love their piety, pure truthfulness, courtesy, loyalty, and trustworthiness, even if the person does not perfectly demonstrate them. You feel safe and secure with them. You can visualize building that fortress together, a fortress which has potential room for descendants. You can see your souls shining within the same mirror, even if they have not yet merged into one.

19.2.5 Stage 5: Engagement

If courtship is successful, you are on the path towards marriage. When discussing marriage, Bahá’u’lláh counsels regarding the matter of marriage by saying, “it behooves whosoever desires to enter into any matter to first hold fast to consultation and to act according to what appears therefrom, placing his trust in God, the Protector, the Self-Subsisting.”27 This applies to attaining the consent of not only each other, but of the parents, (or representatives of the parents). If the consultations are successful, you are engaged. If they are unsuccessful, you are not engaged. Thereupon you can either continue courtship or see if it is best to go back to spiritual kinship, and move on. At no point should this consultation lead to discord or enmity.

Once engaged, Bahá’u’lláh advises that delaying the wedding is not recommended.28 He did not define a hard limit, though, in the same advice, He said that the timing of the wedding is entirely up to the couple’s discretion. This might be something discussed by the couple and parents in their consultation.

Reflection: Which stage most challenges you to balance affection with spiritual discipline?

Before looking at other choices, it helps to name what happens when relationships jump ahead of their own foundations.

19.3 Skipping Stages

Life can be rather complex and messy, and sometimes a person can be ruled by their passions more than by their relationship with God. In modern life, it is common to start straight at courtship or a simulated marriage before the foundations of friendship have even been established. The more stages that are skipped, the more difficult it is to establish an enduring fortress for salvation and well-being. It is not impossible, but if there is a sense of commitment without fully knowing what is being committed to, tranquility may seem elusive.

Another way that skipping stages is important is in the application of the Maturity Matching Principle. It is important to note that the fortress of well-being is most vulnerable when one partner is significantly more mature than the other, whether this is spiritually, emotionally, or developmentally. The Maturity Matching Principle helps ensure that there are outlets for healthy affectionate relationships at any stage of maturity. For example, throughout the world the incidence of teen pregnancies can be less than 1% and nearly 20% depending on the culture. Traditionally, this can be a difficult time as the social, religious, cultural, and legal structures bring additional pressures to both the teenage mother and her child.

A society that refuses to name adolescent desire is not protecting youth; it is abandoning them to secrecy. A society that names desire but refuses to restrain power is also abandoning them, this time to predation. For example, if two peers end up feeling love through friendship, fellowship, and spiritual kinship, what is the best path? One path is telling them to stop feeling as they do, which betrays their rights to identity and expression. This risks secretive acts and if things go too far, guilt and shame from unplanned outcomes. The other path is to accept these feelings as real. With this acknowledgment comes the potential to gain mutual consent, that of the parents, and ensure they have access to the fortress of well-being. Their relationship and marriage are supported by parents and the community until they are fully mature according to the Badí‘ calendar.

Spiritual kinship might be the most difficult stage to achieve, especially if the relationship is an interfaith relationship. While Bahá’u’lláh enjoins friendship and fellowship with those of other religions, it takes a special discernment to identify if you are kin to one of another faith. Can you share in each other’s spiritual practice? Can you view each other as sharing soul-building experiences even while having different outward labels? Navigating this carefully and intentionally should open the doors of unity without either having to compromise who they are. God is the Lord of all religions, and He is the God Who liberates all souls.

When these stages are skipped, we also need to be aware as individuals what is an illusion and what is real as expressed in Chapter 16, The Private Self. This is a delicate balance individuals and communities must navigate with care and consultation.

Reflection: Where do you see impatience weakening the fortress of affection?

To honor affection without sentimentality, we also need language for those whose paths do not follow the usual pattern.

19.4 Non-Traditional Relationship Choices

19.4.1 Celibacy

I want to briefly discuss two concepts which I feel are important for well-functioning communities to understand and accept. The first concept is when a person chooses to remain unmarried, regardless of the relationships they form. They may prefer spiritual kinship or courtship as representing their best way to show love. A person could be asexual. Celibacy, while not being enjoined upon believers, is a personal option which should be respected.

19.4.2 Gender

The second concept is those who express their right to identity in ways which are not easily defined by traditional religious labels and discourse. This can include gender identification, gender role identification, and preferences in who they feel the fragrance of love for. This is where we should be reminded that God prefers unity and concord, the same God who created all souls noble. Communities need to ensure that they are not the cause of discord or enmity, especially when an affectionate relationship comes to an end. Neither the Kitáb-i-Aqdas nor any teaching of the Báb and Bahá’u’lláh defines what it means to be a man or a woman. Bahá’u’lláh expands the common notions of gender in BH00158 when declaring that believing women are men. Both men and women are Knights when they have partaken of the Choice Sealed Wine.

I am of the belief that the fortress of salvation and well-being should be accessible to all in an inclusive way. All of these affectionate relationships, friendship, fellowship, spiritual kinship, courtship, engagement, and marriage, are rights for all mature people, with friendship, fellowship, and spiritual kinship being a right of all people from birth. Every person has a responsibility not to deny these rights. God prefers unity and concord. While marriage is defined within man and woman labels, the right to identity governs which gender we express. Who serves as the bride, the groom, the wife, and the husband is entirely up to the two people consenting to the marriage, and no one else. This can be reflected in the marriage contract itself, defining who serves in each role for the duration of the contract, which, if God wills it, stands the test of time.

Reflection: What responsibilities do your closest bonds place upon you?

To conclude this chapter, we can gather its stages into one measure of communal health.

19.5 Conclusion

Our relationships are probably the very fabric upon which we can measure the health of a community. The closer we become to someone, the more vulnerable we are. Each new stage opens up our hearts in exciting and powerful ways. Because of this, we have a reason to view ourselves as trustees to those we love, as well as to those who are vulnerable. The next chapter will discuss trusteeship, the authority gifted to us under the authority of God.

  1. Kitáb-i-Aqdas #63↩︎

  2. Persian Bayán Váḥid 8, Gate 15↩︎

  3. Súríy-i-Haykal↩︎

  4. BH10796↩︎

  5. BH03181↩︎

  6. Kitáb-i-Aqdas #65↩︎

  7. Arabic Bayán, Váḥid 8, Gate 15↩︎

  8. Persian Bayán Váḥid 6, Gate 7↩︎

  9. Kitáb-i-Aqdas #65↩︎

  10. BH02956↩︎

  11. BH00091↩︎

  12. BH00093↩︎

  13. Kitáb-i-Aqdas #65↩︎

  14. BH00726↩︎

  15. BH02573↩︎

  16. BH02352↩︎

  17. BH00357↩︎

  18. BH00035↩︎

  19. Kitáb-i-Aqdas #68↩︎

  20. Kitáb-i-Aqdas #49↩︎

  21. Kitáb-i-Aqdas #70↩︎

  22. Kitáb-i-Aqdas #148↩︎

  23. Kitáb-i-Aqdas #144↩︎

  24. Hidden Words, Persian #57↩︎

  25. BH00091↩︎

  26. Kitáb-i-Aqdas #61↩︎

  27. BH03310↩︎

  28. BH01039↩︎